Sunday, November 28, 2010

Ritual De Lo Habitual

The ritual behind my using is probably one of the first things I found myself consciously replacing. All the crap generally associated with my getting high were replaced with the ritual of making coffee and English tea.
Actually, my entire morning has become somewhat formulaic. Every morning, I start things off with a cup of English Breakfast Tea (Twinings), coupled with an English Muffin (Thomas) with butter and honey. I'm then on my way to the clinic for my daily dose of Methadone. and when I get home it's coffee time, followed by me working on whatever projects I've got going on. It's this sense of order, that helps me get through the first part of my day. The power of familiarity. It makes life somewhat tolerable I guess.
I can't believe I'm turning into a morning person. I can't help but wake up before eight now, which is great cause the weekend hours at the clinic are from 6 to 9. But after this month I should be getting "take homes" for being a good boy and not using any other controlled substances.
But asides for waking up early, just about every aspect of my conscious behavior has changed on me. When I was using all I listened to was NPR. Now I'm listening to music. I used to watch countless hours of television and veg out on my bed. Now I'm lucky if I squeeze in an hour a day (if any at all).
One of the weirdest habits I picked up when using was the ugly habit of not bathing. I'm not sure why I didn't care to bathe, but fortunately for me and the people around me, I'm bathing daily.
Anyways, that's all I want to talk about right now, but maybe I'll continue on this subject later.

Friday, November 26, 2010

The Politics of Surrender

This morning, when I was getting my daily dose at the Methadone clinic, I couldn't help but notice that the dope dealers were out in force. I'm wondering if it's because it seemed like only two people were working the clinic, or maybe it's because it's the after a holiday or what, but seeing those assholes drives me nuts. I'm not if the feeling is rooted in disgust (preying on the "weak"), or jealousy (cause a part of me wishes they would sell to me). In all honesty, it's probably both.
Of course, if I were a drug dealer, I would probably do the same. Go where the dope fiends are. It's just kind of sad cause, like me, I'm assuming most of the clinics clients are addicts who truly need help and are actively looking for it. It's just that it's hard staying strong all the time, especially if you don't have anything to be strong for.
Lately I've been pulling my strength and conviction from my career, but I wonder to myself, is this truly a solid source to harness my need for stability and sobriety? I've tried relying on my ambition before and I've relapsed regardless.
I've been reading "Bill's Story" in the Alcoholics Anonymous book, and "Bill" kept failing at sobriety till he "surrendered" himself to his "higher power".
I really hope that isn't the ONLY solution, cause surrendering simply isn't something I know how to let go so completely. And further more I just don't understand how or what it is you surrender too... I want to believe i have a spiritual side, and i want to believe in a god. I just believe in a god without the trappings of organized religion. Anyways, I'm sure I'll be getting in to all of this in depth soon.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


Tired. I've been crazy tired lately. And I'm wondering if it's because of my recovery, like, my body still needs the rest cause of the insane amounts of damage I've inflicted on it. Or maybe it's the methadone that's making me tired. Like nodding out tired.
Last night, after my 6.5 hour drive from San Luis Obispo, I passed the fuck out after dinner. Before I even had a chance to post this story to my blog. I really hope it's just the methadone, cause I'm planning on lowering my dose after week five (last Monday marked four weeks for me). We'll see.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

San Luis Obispo

I'm in San Luis Obispo. The town I went to school at. The town where I experienced my first love, and the town where my eventual downward descent started. I'm in town to register with probation concerning a drug offense from 8 years ago, but before I do all that legal mumbo jumbo, i'm partaking in some of my personal favorite legal pleasures this town has to offer. So far I enjoyed a fantastic dinner of beef sukiyaki at Goshi's (formerly "Tsurugi's") and now I'm at Linnea's enjoying a cup of tea and their amazing carrot cake.
The drive here was a trip (in more ways than one). For a while, this uncomfortably nostalgic feeling I used to have when I would drive to town cause I was out of dope and I needed to "cop" from the only source I knew came up a couple times. It's been more than 7 years since I've done that drive, but the sensation was as fresh and real as it was back then. Fortunately it really has been more than 7 years since I've kept that company, and I'm happy to not know anybody in the area anymore. When I got in town, I simply checked in to my hotel, called my family to let them know I had arrived safely, changed, and ran out for some healthy nostalgia. I'm happy to say SLO has become the quiet, innocent, town it's supposed to be.
Of course, tomorrow is another day, and tomorrow I'll be checking in with the rest of the seedy underbelly living in this small town that were unlucky enough to get busted like myself.
Thats life though.
Sides of a coin.

This is a test

This is a test. Since I'm going out of town today for Probation Registration, I just want to make sure the email blog posting option still works.
I've added this handsome photo of my take home Methadone Hydrochloride to see if the image upload works too. Fingers crossed.

Monday, November 22, 2010

28 Days Later

Today marks my fourth week "sober". I guess I feel like I need to put "sober" in quotes because I attend a Methadone clinic where I am on a "Maintenance" program, meaning, I'm still consuming dope. However, I'm not high off it, and I'm DEFINITELY not punching a hole in my body to get it in me. NA "purists" would almost definitely say I'm not sober, but I really want to believe that all this counts for something.
Before these last 28 days, I was wearing my addiction on my sleeve. You simply had to take a quick look at me to realize something was wrong. My skin exhibited a uniquely unhealthy pale green, my hair was falling out, and my skin hung on me like an over sized jacket. It took me getting arrested to finally throw the breaks on my self destruction.
I remember the moment the cops drove up on me, a mixture of feelings I would describe as both "Fuck Me. This SUCKS" and "Fuck Me, Thank GOD" came upon me. I finally found myself standing at the crossroads, and it was time for me to make a choice. Was I going to take this opportunity to get my shit straightened out? Or was I going to keep up with my other option. I chose the latter.
Since then, these past 28 days have been difficult to say the least.
Today after I got back from the clinic I found myself inclined to do what I used to do when I was still using. Climb into bed, close my eyes and wait for a call from my dealer. It was a weird and unsettling feeling. Fortunately I don't have a number to call to contact anyone from that life, and I have plenty of LEGAL reasons why I should maintain a life on the straight and narrow (more about that as things develop).
Though I haven't hit any NA/AA meetings yet, and I don't have a sponsor (not because I'm opposed to these things), what I think I'm going to do is use this blog as a daily place for me to vent openly and honestly. The way I would to a therapist or a sponsor. Hopefully that will help me find some much needed calm and peace within me.
I guess all I can do now is see where things takes me, and I'll do my best to document these experiences here.
PS: if I stop addressing this blog for more than three to four days in a row, chances are it means I've relapsed, in which case, wish me luck that I can find my way back. But I truly hope it never comes to that.