Friday, November 26, 2010

The Politics of Surrender

This morning, when I was getting my daily dose at the Methadone clinic, I couldn't help but notice that the dope dealers were out in force. I'm wondering if it's because it seemed like only two people were working the clinic, or maybe it's because it's the after a holiday or what, but seeing those assholes drives me nuts. I'm not if the feeling is rooted in disgust (preying on the "weak"), or jealousy (cause a part of me wishes they would sell to me). In all honesty, it's probably both.
Of course, if I were a drug dealer, I would probably do the same. Go where the dope fiends are. It's just kind of sad cause, like me, I'm assuming most of the clinics clients are addicts who truly need help and are actively looking for it. It's just that it's hard staying strong all the time, especially if you don't have anything to be strong for.
Lately I've been pulling my strength and conviction from my career, but I wonder to myself, is this truly a solid source to harness my need for stability and sobriety? I've tried relying on my ambition before and I've relapsed regardless.
I've been reading "Bill's Story" in the Alcoholics Anonymous book, and "Bill" kept failing at sobriety till he "surrendered" himself to his "higher power".
I really hope that isn't the ONLY solution, cause surrendering simply isn't something I know how to let go so completely. And further more I just don't understand how or what it is you surrender too... I want to believe i have a spiritual side, and i want to believe in a god. I just believe in a god without the trappings of organized religion. Anyways, I'm sure I'll be getting in to all of this in depth soon.

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