Today marks my fourth week "sober". I guess I feel like I need to put "sober" in quotes because I attend a Methadone clinic where I am on a "Maintenance" program, meaning, I'm still consuming dope. However, I'm not high off it, and I'm DEFINITELY not punching a hole in my body to get it in me. NA "purists" would almost definitely say I'm not sober, but I really want to believe that all this counts for something.
Before these last 28 days, I was wearing my addiction on my sleeve. You simply had to take a quick look at me to realize something was wrong. My skin exhibited a uniquely unhealthy pale green, my hair was falling out, and my skin hung on me like an over sized jacket. It took me getting arrested to finally throw the breaks on my self destruction.
I remember the moment the cops drove up on me, a mixture of feelings I would describe as both "Fuck Me. This SUCKS" and "Fuck Me, Thank GOD" came upon me. I finally found myself standing at the crossroads, and it was time for me to make a choice. Was I going to take this opportunity to get my shit straightened out? Or was I going to keep up with my other option. I chose the latter.
Since then, these past 28 days have been difficult to say the least.
Today after I got back from the clinic I found myself inclined to do what I used to do when I was still using. Climb into bed, close my eyes and wait for a call from my dealer. It was a weird and unsettling feeling. Fortunately I don't have a number to call to contact anyone from that life, and I have plenty of LEGAL reasons why I should maintain a life on the straight and narrow (more about that as things develop).
Though I haven't hit any NA/AA meetings yet, and I don't have a sponsor (not because I'm opposed to these things), what I think I'm going to do is use this blog as a daily place for me to vent openly and honestly. The way I would to a therapist or a sponsor. Hopefully that will help me find some much needed calm and peace within me.
I guess all I can do now is see where things takes me, and I'll do my best to document these experiences here.
PS: if I stop addressing this blog for more than three to four days in a row, chances are it means I've relapsed, in which case, wish me luck that I can find my way back. But I truly hope it never comes to that.