Dear Junk Blog,

Dear Junk Blog,
I'm sorry for neglecting you. I've just been very busy with my current job/project. But after this weekend, I promise to be attentive to you and fill you with my all the trials and tribulations that comes with my recovering from a decade as a drug addict.
By the way, today marks 15 weeks since I've used. Yay!

Sincerely,
The Junk Blog Author

Insured

Oh happy day. Today I got the acceptance letter for my health insurance policy.
I lost my health insurance several months ago due to my lagging on payment and it's been freaking me out. Not that I've got any major health issues, but health insurance is simply one of those things I feel like you should have, cause you never no what life has in store. What freaked me was that less than a month ago I applied for this insurance, and was rejected. The problem turned out to be that the form I filled was no longer being accepted.
I was honestly afraid that my enrollment in the Methadone clinic or my criminal record played a roll in my rejection.

Now I just need to get my back taxes settled up and paid for...

Memories and Spirituality

Lately, I've been playing over the minutes that led to my arrest in Hollywood, and every time, I'm left feeling humiliated and pissed at myself. The thing is, I've been wondering if I feel such agitation because I'm also wondering if there was anyway I could have gotten away or evaded the police.
I realize that my arrest was definitely a good thing. Because of it, I've sobered up, my family are much happier, and everyday I see my body healing from the damage I inflicted onto it. However, the humiliation still makes me question whether I could have possibly evaded the police, a question which is seconded with my wondering if I had evaded the police, if I could have sobered myself up. Most of myself exclaims "HELL NO WOULD YOU HAVE SOBERED UP", to which I am some what relieved that the humiliating events of October 25th occurred.
I guess I'm just wondering why I keep thinking about this event, and why I keep wondering "what if". Other "what if" questions include, 'what if I found a bag of dope, would I be able to toss it?' If I'm at all honest with myself, I know the answer is an emphatic "NO!" which bums me out.
The Alcoholics Anonymous book refers to a 'Higher Power' to which sufferers of addiction surrender themselves. This power gives the suffering addict the direction and will power to live life on the straight and narrow. Lately, I've been searching for the ability to embrace this higher power coupled with a conscious acceptance of my sense of spirituality.
I've often declared that the events of my arrest and everything that came after were the closest thing I've experienced to that of a "Devine Intervention". But do I really believe that? Anyone can say "I believe in god", but very few can say it and with every fiber of their being believe it.
What happens when that moment of spiritual awakening occurs? Some Christians experience an event they refer to as being "Born Again". Do people who achieve spiritual consciousness really experience something equivalent to the shock and awe of being born? I really hope I don't have sink any further than I have to find it.
But I guess for now all I can do is continue reading the A.A. book. Hopefully I'll fine within it's pages a clue to my spirituality and my relationship with my higher power.

Methadone

This upcoming Monday I'll be lowering my dose from 65mg to 62mg. Three milligrams... I originally thought I could (or rather, should) take things down 5mg at a time, but a friend of mine suggested that I take it down 3. I guess it makes sense. The one thing i don't want to do is drop thing too quickly so that my body feels the difference. All that might do is possibly encourage a relapse, which of course is bad thing.
Before I signed on to the Methadone program, I always heard of nightmare scenarios concerning the way people reacted to coming off methadone. It always seems like everyone I know who have tried to stop inevitably suffered like no other. But that's the deal with pharmaceuticals. Opiodes have been synthesized to extend their half lives to twice as long, so it lasts longer. The tragedy is that it takes twice as long to kick.
I must admit, part of me feels weird about using methadone. I kind o feel like. I'm still using, which I am. But the way I also see it, considering how long I've been using, going old turkey would pretty much be a recipe for disaster. I simply can not just stop using. My moods swings are bad enough while using methadone. Without it, my emotions would eat me alive. Taking the methadone has definitely helped me stay in control of my mind and body, giving me the control to slowly take myself down.
Anyways, that's all for now.

Neglect and New Years

It's been a while since I've posted anything here, and I must admit, I've been pretty lazy concerning updating my blogs (this ain't my only blog). I guess I'll talk about today being new years eve, and my feelings concerning this holiday.
It kinda sucks, when I used dope, I often found myself withdrawing from society. I guess I did it because I was always ashamed of my addiction, and I was afraid the more I was around people the more obvious my drug problem was... Not that you couldn't tell something was up if you simply looking at my pasty pale green face.
Now that I'm sober, that social neglect has come to bite me in the ass. I have nothing to do tonight, and I'm really working on making myself ok with it. Admittedly, I'm pretty bummed out, but then again, I know if I'm out, I'm basically going to wish I was home. Also, really, it's just another day, and to be frank, for ten years, I partied everyday. It's about time I took a break from "partying", and allowed myself to enjoy some much needed solitude. On top of all of this, I have my next big show in less than a month and a half. If I want to get this done, I need to seriously use the rest of my time on my show.
On top of this, lately my inner junky has been trying to convince me that I can get away with partying at least once "cmon Luke, it's NYE, let go and celebrate." And I have to keep arguing with myself that it's literally impossible for me to just take 'one hit' and let go of it. That I have tried this over and over with the exact same results, once I start I can't stop. Fortunately this week my probation officer contacted my methadone clinic and now I'm testing 3 times a month. This leaves very little room for me to fuck up (unless I'm ok with going to jail).
Anyways, that's all for now. The results from my prune tasting competition will be coming up soon, along with more of my daily struggles.
Happy new year.

Grumpy/Moody

I am grumpy/moody. And that's all I want to say about it.
But saying/typing it sure makes me feel better.

Diminished

This morning, I woke up wishing I had slept more. Something about today is shattering my faith in humanity, and even more so, shattering my faith in myself.
When I walked out of the clinic, a homeless guy asked me for a quarter which I happily gave him, but then he was going off on all kinds of psychobabble about his grandfather, not knowing my people, etc. It was sad and disturbing.
I hope things start looking up soon.