Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Memories and Spirituality

Lately, I've been playing over the minutes that led to my arrest in Hollywood, and every time, I'm left feeling humiliated and pissed at myself. The thing is, I've been wondering if I feel such agitation because I'm also wondering if there was anyway I could have gotten away or evaded the police.
I realize that my arrest was definitely a good thing. Because of it, I've sobered up, my family are much happier, and everyday I see my body healing from the damage I inflicted onto it. However, the humiliation still makes me question whether I could have possibly evaded the police, a question which is seconded with my wondering if I had evaded the police, if I could have sobered myself up. Most of myself exclaims "HELL NO WOULD YOU HAVE SOBERED UP", to which I am some what relieved that the humiliating events of October 25th occurred.
I guess I'm just wondering why I keep thinking about this event, and why I keep wondering "what if". Other "what if" questions include, 'what if I found a bag of dope, would I be able to toss it?' If I'm at all honest with myself, I know the answer is an emphatic "NO!" which bums me out.
The Alcoholics Anonymous book refers to a 'Higher Power' to which sufferers of addiction surrender themselves. This power gives the suffering addict the direction and will power to live life on the straight and narrow. Lately, I've been searching for the ability to embrace this higher power coupled with a conscious acceptance of my sense of spirituality.
I've often declared that the events of my arrest and everything that came after were the closest thing I've experienced to that of a "Devine Intervention". But do I really believe that? Anyone can say "I believe in god", but very few can say it and with every fiber of their being believe it.
What happens when that moment of spiritual awakening occurs? Some Christians experience an event they refer to as being "Born Again". Do people who achieve spiritual consciousness really experience something equivalent to the shock and awe of being born? I really hope I don't have sink any further than I have to find it.
But I guess for now all I can do is continue reading the A.A. book. Hopefully I'll fine within it's pages a clue to my spirituality and my relationship with my higher power.

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