Insured

Oh happy day. Today I got the acceptance letter for my health insurance policy.
I lost my health insurance several months ago due to my lagging on payment and it's been freaking me out. Not that I've got any major health issues, but health insurance is simply one of those things I feel like you should have, cause you never no what life has in store. What freaked me was that less than a month ago I applied for this insurance, and was rejected. The problem turned out to be that the form I filled was no longer being accepted.
I was honestly afraid that my enrollment in the Methadone clinic or my criminal record played a roll in my rejection.

Now I just need to get my back taxes settled up and paid for...

Memories and Spirituality

Lately, I've been playing over the minutes that led to my arrest in Hollywood, and every time, I'm left feeling humiliated and pissed at myself. The thing is, I've been wondering if I feel such agitation because I'm also wondering if there was anyway I could have gotten away or evaded the police.
I realize that my arrest was definitely a good thing. Because of it, I've sobered up, my family are much happier, and everyday I see my body healing from the damage I inflicted onto it. However, the humiliation still makes me question whether I could have possibly evaded the police, a question which is seconded with my wondering if I had evaded the police, if I could have sobered myself up. Most of myself exclaims "HELL NO WOULD YOU HAVE SOBERED UP", to which I am some what relieved that the humiliating events of October 25th occurred.
I guess I'm just wondering why I keep thinking about this event, and why I keep wondering "what if". Other "what if" questions include, 'what if I found a bag of dope, would I be able to toss it?' If I'm at all honest with myself, I know the answer is an emphatic "NO!" which bums me out.
The Alcoholics Anonymous book refers to a 'Higher Power' to which sufferers of addiction surrender themselves. This power gives the suffering addict the direction and will power to live life on the straight and narrow. Lately, I've been searching for the ability to embrace this higher power coupled with a conscious acceptance of my sense of spirituality.
I've often declared that the events of my arrest and everything that came after were the closest thing I've experienced to that of a "Devine Intervention". But do I really believe that? Anyone can say "I believe in god", but very few can say it and with every fiber of their being believe it.
What happens when that moment of spiritual awakening occurs? Some Christians experience an event they refer to as being "Born Again". Do people who achieve spiritual consciousness really experience something equivalent to the shock and awe of being born? I really hope I don't have sink any further than I have to find it.
But I guess for now all I can do is continue reading the A.A. book. Hopefully I'll fine within it's pages a clue to my spirituality and my relationship with my higher power.

Methadone

This upcoming Monday I'll be lowering my dose from 65mg to 62mg. Three milligrams... I originally thought I could (or rather, should) take things down 5mg at a time, but a friend of mine suggested that I take it down 3. I guess it makes sense. The one thing i don't want to do is drop thing too quickly so that my body feels the difference. All that might do is possibly encourage a relapse, which of course is bad thing.
Before I signed on to the Methadone program, I always heard of nightmare scenarios concerning the way people reacted to coming off methadone. It always seems like everyone I know who have tried to stop inevitably suffered like no other. But that's the deal with pharmaceuticals. Opiodes have been synthesized to extend their half lives to twice as long, so it lasts longer. The tragedy is that it takes twice as long to kick.
I must admit, part of me feels weird about using methadone. I kind o feel like. I'm still using, which I am. But the way I also see it, considering how long I've been using, going old turkey would pretty much be a recipe for disaster. I simply can not just stop using. My moods swings are bad enough while using methadone. Without it, my emotions would eat me alive. Taking the methadone has definitely helped me stay in control of my mind and body, giving me the control to slowly take myself down.
Anyways, that's all for now.